Thursday, December 9, 2010

A New Home

After speaking with an old friend last night, I decided it was time to get back to writing...if for anyone at all...for her. No one ever mentioned that they were looking out for me to write again. So here I am.

We have changed addresses and with everything that comes along with it...the good and the's an adventure. I have learned more about who I am in the past month than any trip we have ever been on. We moved into the Noble House Farm B&B where they put us up in the barn (converted into an apartment) next to the pond on their 50 acre plot outside Ithaca city. It was a cozy few months with mole encounters, meeting new guests (both dogs and humans) that vacationed at the B&B, listening to coyotes at dusk, watching meteor showers, finding mice fetuses in the oven range, picking burs off Stella after long hikes, reading, talking for hours at dinner, not having cell phone reception, We also had a chance to catch up on all the movies old guests had graciously left including Ice Age and Ice Age 2 The Meltdown, All the Right Moves, The Nanny, Shrek 2 etc. We watched them because some nights...there was nothing else. With an 8 inch television and no cable, you take what you can get.

As fate would have it, there was one movie that made it all worth while. An early 90's film called Grand Canyon about the separate lives of these characters in LA. They each have a set of worries and problems they are facing and Simon, played by Danny Glover, is talking to Kevin Kline (Forget his characters name) and he says: "You ever been to the Grand Canyon? Its pretty, but thats not the thing of it. You can sit on the edge of that big ol' thing and those rocks... the cliffs and rocks are so old... it took so long for that thing to get like that... and it ain't done either! It happens right there while your watching it. Its happening right now as we are sitting here in this ugly town. When you sit on the edge of that thing, you realize what a joke we people really are... what big heads we have thinking that what we do is gonna matter all that much... thinking that our time here means didly to those rocks. Just a split second we have been here, the whole lot of us. That's a piece of time so small to even get a name. Those rocks are laughing at me right now, me and my worries... Yeah, its real humorous, that Grand Canyon. Its laughing at me right now. You know what I felt like? I felt like a gnat that lands on the ass of a cow chewing his cud on the side of the road that you drive by doing 70 mph." It reminded me of watching the sun rise and set at the Canyon and just how much it changed me too. It does that. Every one of those parks does that. Puts you in your place. It helps me realize what I'm doing. If you get a chance, check it out...the movie and the Canyon.

I could tell you the whole story of how we got the house...but I'll save that for later.

Here we are...stoking the fire, eating turkey soup and apple pie a la mode. Trying to fall into a routine is tough...I suppose that just happens on its own over time. For now...we listen to NPR in the morning and strangely enough the Writer's Almanac is always featured at the exact time we cruising highway 13 into city center for work. The silos Mr. Garrison Kellior and his ancient voice read us poetry and remind me of how important it is to keep writing. This morning he mentioned the birthday of Jean de Brunhoff who wrote the stories of Babar for his children. I used to watch Babar on HBO in the mornings growing up. I had flashbacks of the royal elephant family and could see myself so vividly...sitting in front of the television waiting for the day to start with Babar.

He also spent time on author John Milton and celebrating his birthday today. The man who sold Paradise Lost for ten pound and "coined more than 600 words, including the adjectives dreary, flowery, jubilant, satanic, saintly, terrific, ethereal, sublime, impassive, unprincipled, dismissive, and feverish; as well as the nouns fragrance, adventurer, anarchy, and many more." All we could say after Garrison finished the list was "wow." Wow is right. The thought of coining any term...nonetheless one as terrific as the actual word "terrific"...Imagine not being able to think of a word that describes a person who seeks risks or exciting experiences...what would we call them other than an adventurer??

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" It's moments when I am overwhelmed with the rate at which time is flying by, when I don't know why certain things happen, when I can't find comfort, when I am a stranger, when I don't understand...this saves me. Each time I realize I am the adventurer...things seem more of a triumph. Sometimes I miss things being so easy. Not getting lost on a coffee run...taking the back way home, water that doesn't smell like Yellowstone...but how boring would life be without obstacles and adventure...what if I never met that certain someone who changed me forever. I'll keep choosing the rocky road until something breaks...then I'll get up and take it again. Speaking of Rocky Road.....=)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Write it down...

And so here I am in a completely different town. Another planet as far as I’m concerned. I can’t remember the last time I was writing about that city and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that our dog Stella is here…there are mice trying to run into our temporary barn establishment…and mom and dad are far far away. Even farther than a bus ride. Farther than a stones throw. I never imagined singing happy birthday without my favorites around.

Since we moved to our new home…I’ve been faced with questions that I didn’t think I would have to answer. We made the decision together….our adventurous spirit said….Decide….and so we did. It all happened very quickly and because the decision was spawned from love and desire…passion and experience…I know it’s the right one. It’s telling my logical side that things will be ok…that’s the tricky part. “We have no friends here. I don’t want any new friends…the ones that know me love me for who I was and who I have become….I want to see mom more…I want to talk to Willy everyday…I want to watch Valerie grow up and pick her up from school…I want Amy to call for a hike when she needs me” God I want that. I want it so bad. Almost bad enough to throw this idea away.

But just not enough.

I start to ask myself what all of this boils down to…try to compare myself to every one that I know and have ever met. They did it. They are surviving. The have memories and find their family. We are all energy…what really matters is who we touch right? Who we are a part of. Rick always says quality time over quantity….but I start to think of all the little things…that only quantity can afford. When Mom farts and we all laugh…when we need to return something to the mall and we get Frosties on the way home while we sing and dance in the car …when dad asks me to go for a walk with him. Those moments pour in…there are so many…such an enormous quantity of moments…and every one of them is perfect. So perfect. I think of us as a movie family then. If we have only quality moments…We come home to visit and everything is fake. It is visited and uninviting. Cold and forced. It is what every other family is that we aren’t. It’s knowing my college alma mater and loving college football. it’s small talk ….
It’s seeing his age…. .

A typical family. The antithesis of what I ever wanted us to become. I need a passion to fly back to. I have plenty of people that I am passionate about…but I need a passion that is all mine. One that I can return to that relaxes me…makes me face all of this…Rick tells me…always saving me….write it down…Write so you can see the flaws. Write so you can see what you’re feeling. It helps.

And that is just what this does.
They still love you…they won’t fake it back home if you don’t. Sure, it will take a few hours of discomfort…but just give them all of you…like you always do…that’s what counts. Just like you said. It’s what you give people. That is all that matters in this world. Learning how to give your true self to people. A genuine encounter…a real experience. Don’t fake anything. Walk in and be real. YES. YES! Start to live. Start to live so that you can show them that you are living….when you are together….share that with them…the idea…the love of life that you are creating. That’s it! We’ll be ok…I promise. It’s hard because you love so deeply…it’s tough because you know each other so well...because you have that connection. Be thankful for that…embrace that level at which you can share this world….how funny you can be….how easy you make it to smile….

Nothing else matters.

It is moving so fast. You have to make sure they know. Tell them. Tell them that nothing else matters but how happy you make each other when you are together. RUN.