Thursday, September 2, 2010

Write it down...

And so here I am in a completely different town. Another planet as far as I’m concerned. I can’t remember the last time I was writing about that city and it doesn’t matter. What matters is that our dog Stella is here…there are mice trying to run into our temporary barn establishment…and mom and dad are far far away. Even farther than a bus ride. Farther than a stones throw. I never imagined singing happy birthday without my favorites around.

Since we moved to our new home…I’ve been faced with questions that I didn’t think I would have to answer. We made the decision together….our adventurous spirit said….Decide….and so we did. It all happened very quickly and because the decision was spawned from love and desire…passion and experience…I know it’s the right one. It’s telling my logical side that things will be ok…that’s the tricky part. “We have no friends here. I don’t want any new friends…the ones that know me love me for who I was and who I have become….I want to see mom more…I want to talk to Willy everyday…I want to watch Valerie grow up and pick her up from school…I want Amy to call for a hike when she needs me” God I want that. I want it so bad. Almost bad enough to throw this idea away.

But just not enough.

I start to ask myself what all of this boils down to…try to compare myself to every one that I know and have ever met. They did it. They are surviving. The have memories and find their family. We are all energy…what really matters is who we touch right? Who we are a part of. Rick always says quality time over quantity….but I start to think of all the little things…that only quantity can afford. When Mom farts and we all laugh…when we need to return something to the mall and we get Frosties on the way home while we sing and dance in the car …when dad asks me to go for a walk with him. Those moments pour in…there are so many…such an enormous quantity of moments…and every one of them is perfect. So perfect. I think of us as a movie family then. If we have only quality moments…We come home to visit and everything is fake. It is visited and uninviting. Cold and forced. It is what every other family is that we aren’t. It’s knowing my college alma mater and loving college football. it’s small talk ….
It’s seeing his age…. .

A typical family. The antithesis of what I ever wanted us to become. I need a passion to fly back to. I have plenty of people that I am passionate about…but I need a passion that is all mine. One that I can return to that relaxes me…makes me face all of this…Rick tells me…always saving me….write it down…Write so you can see the flaws. Write so you can see what you’re feeling. It helps.

And that is just what this does.
They still love you…they won’t fake it back home if you don’t. Sure, it will take a few hours of discomfort…but just give them all of you…like you always do…that’s what counts. Just like you said. It’s what you give people. That is all that matters in this world. Learning how to give your true self to people. A genuine encounter…a real experience. Don’t fake anything. Walk in and be real. YES. YES! Start to live. Start to live so that you can show them that you are living….when you are together….share that with them…the idea…the love of life that you are creating. That’s it! We’ll be ok…I promise. It’s hard because you love so deeply…it’s tough because you know each other so well...because you have that connection. Be thankful for that…embrace that level at which you can share this world….how funny you can be….how easy you make it to smile….

Nothing else matters.

It is moving so fast. You have to make sure they know. Tell them. Tell them that nothing else matters but how happy you make each other when you are together. RUN.